Lyrics of the day: If I could trust, don’t you think that I’d let you touch me?
My featuring image was taken by yours truly on a particularly nice day last week. It’s where I walk through in the morning on my way to catch the train to uni. This place has relative significance to me as it is the path on which a lot of contemplating takes place, thanks to the stimulant of the green and graceful surrounding nature. It’s where I distinguish what my most urgent tribulations are, and where I designate the day’s emotions, whether I’m feeling ecstatic, lethargic or hopeful.
This week my dominant emotion has been bafflement. I have not failed to be amazed at the uncanny human ability to contradict oneself, or to change one’s mind so abruptly regarding matters that one claims to feel strongly about. Part of me is inclined to believe that this is not a personal mistake, just life dealing its cards in an unexpected way, yet another part of me cannot fail to notice that some fault of character must have been required for things to play out quite the way they have. It pains me to think that no one regards authenticity as highly as I do. For this reason I have been withdrawing a lot of misplaced trust, and ‘expectation’ is no longer a living concept in my mind. A very wise friend of mine once told me several years ago: Death is our only certainty in life.
Although this phrase sounds like a morbid motto to live by, it should do well to remind me that indeed nothing else is immutable, including the very laws of physics, seen as gravity itself has changed for me and briefly turned my world upside down. I am back at that phase in life where I’m convinced that my solitude is the inevitable compromise for my superior intellect. Such thoughts could be a side effect of my SAD, or in fact a result of watching too much of The Big Bang Theory and identifying with Dr Sheldon Cooper (before he met Amy, of course). All I know is that my life seems to be played out in arcs, and this phase is one of those ‘filler’ episodes typically characterised by my terrible loneliness, my compulsive need to buy more books than I can read, and listening to music at deafening volumes.
There will be the obsessive filtering and categorising of the people in (or out of) my life, and a quest to find a deeper meaning for myself. I am yet to reach the epitome of my disorder (it peaks somewhere between December and February) but meanwhile I have only 2 pieces of coursework to work on, an essay and a presentation, as I’ve completed the other 5 pieces due in for December/January. In terms of university all is escalating rather smoothly, and in terms of friendships I have a number of dates planned out for the next two weeks with people that I am pretty confident with because they do not send me mixed signals. Even better, they are not people who say one thing and proceed to do the exact opposite.