Lyrics of the day: Lonely water, won’t you let us wonder, let us hold each other – Hold back the River by James bay
Apologies, dear readers for the lack of posts, which is mainly derived from the malfunctioning of my laptop – not all of us can afford a Mac eh.
Also because I have vowed to try and capture my own pictures to illustrate my blogs, but I just haven’t felt so inspired by the visuals of the world lately.
I am nostalgic by nature, but recently I have longed to return to the cleansing experience that I had during the Christmas holidays, where I was able to remind myself that all is not lost; most the time we are just looking in the wrong place. I was, I realised, wishing for the wrong thing, and happily I stumbled upon all I ever needed back in December. It’s never a good idea to place your bets on another person, but I guess there is a reason why everyone calls us twins. Despite the fact that we are the same size… and height… and weight (creepy right?) it finally dawned on me that they (our families) called us twins because they’d predicted this long ago, as goes the Portuguese phrase, we are almas gêmeas. Anyone who’s ever been parted from their metaphorical source of life will understand what a struggle it is to have only memories as fuel to carry on.
It was my greatest fear, when my dad died, to eventually forget his face. The thought of that tortured me. The idea of being forgotten tortures me.
But as part of rescuing myself, I am dedicating a much smaller fragment of my heart to such worries.
You could say it’s a long distance relationship, hence the lyrics of the day, but I wouldn’t call it a relationship as such, as I’m not a big fan of labelling things. It creates expectations, and expectations lead to frustration, and disappointments and a loss of voice. We do not waste time evaluating our feelings for each other or demanding things, to avoid infatuation. Everything we need to know is mutely communicated and that’s the best kind, isn’t it? The kind when you both just know.
Of course it’s not simple when you both live in different countries, which brings me back to the fuel of memories, because after all, lovers hold on to everything, and lovers hold on to anything.*
This is good for me though, because I can focus on gathering myself and keeping my pieces together, whilst still knowing that there is someone out there who loves me and is ready when I’m ready. Someone who can look at you and make you grasp that all of human evolution has been leading up to that moment.
Undoubtedly it is a fault of mine that I fall in love so easily when I let myself, and he was not the only thing that enchanted me. I fell in love with the country itself, the music, the vigour with which people live and how simple it is for dreams to come true there. Maybe because it’s where I was born, or the place where a lot of family still live, or maybe it’s because it’s where my lover is, but some sort of magnetic field is pulling me, telling me that I am not where I should be. It is the last place I’d ever considered living, after the spoils of being raised in London, but following such an extensive adventure and the riches he gained, even Bilbo wanted to return to the Shire, and to the comforts of his little Hobbit hole. These days I think to myself, there is nothing I would love more than to return to my country, my siblings, my nieces, my one in particular, and the comfort of their love.
It’s crazy how we can run as far away as we want, yet most of us will always end up right where we began, and I finally understand that home is where the heart is.
With love to all the yearning hearts
*Lyrics from Figure 8 by Ellie Goulding